


Snake People, Homeworld, and Earth: A History

by RiverDelta



Series: SNAKE PEOPLE: THE SERIES [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-02 06:07:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 12,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8653720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiverDelta/pseuds/RiverDelta
Summary: They said I was “defective”, but I’ve got connections to a trusted source on Earth going only by “Deep Ronaldo”, and I’m going to reveal the truth about everything!Look out snake people, technocrats, snake people, and Rose Quartz! Get ready to get your butts kicked by HISTORY.(I, Champagne Pearl, have been assigned to make this “professional”, and so any annotations in italics are from me.)





	1. The Ascension

So I wanted to start with the First Earth War, since that slag’s actually interesting, but Champagne Pearl “advises” that I start from the beginning, and since we Gems are obviously superior to humanity, we should probably start with the origin of Homeworld. So, that leads to the Ascension. Traditionalist historians would tell you that Gemkind started as a creation of the mysterious Eridanus people, as a species of artificial life that self-replicated and took over their planet.[1]

 It probably had a name in their tongue, but I don’t really care. Anyway, we know all of this because we have their records. Before we **supposedly** developed the Quartz caste and conquered them, ensuring that Gemkind would forever respect the Quartzes who gave us our freedom.

If you want to read someone talking about that, find a paper by some smug Peridot. What, just because you’re “loyal” and “good at dealing with fine details” you get to be historians? That’s earth cattle manure. Peridots can’t do mud but sit there and fix my signal transmitter so I can listen to music made by a Gem type that’s worth slag. Clods!

Ha. See what I did there. I insulted them by calling them clods. I’m pretty sure that in the dictionary business, that’s called sarcasm. _My owner Halite, if I may assist, what you are describing might passibly fall under “irony”, but that’s a bit dubious to begin with. Nonetheless, weren’t you talking about the Ascension?_

Yeah. Fine. I was getting to that. You know that I’m going to just take your little additions in this shared document out when I publish this, right? _Yes, although don’t you think that you might seem more legitimate with a second voice?_ Slag, you’re right! I’ll totally sound better if I have someone saying how correct I am! I am such a genius for thinking of that. _Yes you are._ I know, I know. You can’t see it here, but I’m modestly gesturing and smiling. But whatever. The Ascension.

According to a Peridot’s (ugh) translation of the Eridanus records that we stole took righteously misappropriated stole from those organic pebbles, “Our creations grew too vast in number to imagine. As we saw them drink of our planet and slaughter our people, they created more of themselves. Different forms. Some were mighty and broke our brittle bones. Others were swift and merciless. Still others were creative, and our soldiers would enter what used to be our factories only to find unimaginable horrors. Within a solar revolution, we had seen a single Gem and her laboratory turn to this all-consuming virus. May the stars help us all.”[2] I mean, come on! What a bunch of babies. Babies. That’s a word for a tiny, insignificant human larva made of pure fat and obnoxious noises. I’m comparing this guy to one of those. Because he bugs me.

_The Ascension, my owner. You have barely scratched the surface of the fall of the Eridanus. Frankly, you have only touched it with a single quotation and very sparse description. Your readers will demand more._

My readers? Ha. I don’t have readers. I have....Slag! I don’t have readers. Eh, it doesn’t matter anyway. When this is done, it’s going to be so good that I’ll get “readers”. The Diamonds themselves will come to see me and tell me “Oh, Halite, how did you figure out the secret conspiracy that we’ve been too afraid to tell Homeworld that unites all important history?”

_You cannot see me, but I am snapping my fingers as if trying to wake you out of a particularly annoying daydream. Not that you are annoying, my owner. In fact, I find you positively charming in many ways._

Thank you. Anyway, the Ascension. For real this time. So after the fall of the Eridanus, by which I mean the taking or murdering of them all in rage for....I don’t know, owning a planet that we needed to use to make more of us, or something, the Gems split into thousands of tiny nation-states, a few of which experimented with the sorts of ridiculous “democratic” and “populist” movements currently in fashion on Earth (It’s a fad).

Most, however, were various forms of dictatorship under particular strong Gems, mostly Quartzes. Many traditionalist historians will argue that this is another reason why the Quartzes have such influence under the Diamonds in current Homeworld society.

That’s a myth. The real answer? Quartzes are snake people. Proof? Quartzes are the Gems who fight things. Fighting is wrong unless you do it for a cause. A knight is a human or pearl (Don’t get any ideas) devoted to a person and a cause. Person is the singular for people. What do we call one people? A Gem or human, obviously. Or Eridanus, I guess, if they still existed. Gem + Human = Nothing, since Gems can’t fuse with humans. [3]

No thing. Legs are a thing. No legs. What doesn’t have legs? Snakes. Snakes couldn’t become so important to Homeworld’s society, because snakes are stupid. So...Snake People. _Are you sure that’s what you want to go with? Your readers may find it implausible._ I told you that nobody reads this! I get to make up what I want! It makes perfect sense. If it doesn’t make sense, just read the above until it does. _Suddenly, this is all perfectly clear. Your brilliant scholarship is undeniable._

Yep. Anyway, I think we’ve covered how the Diamonds came to power.

**Works Cited:**

1\. Topaz Facet-6KR4 Cut-7L7, _A History of Early Homeworld_ (Gamma Seven: Limestone Publishing)

 **2.** Rugotios. _Interview with an Eridanus Captive_. Translated by Peridot Facet-8U81 Cut-4R9 (Gamma Ten: Sandstone Publishing, 9021 ADA (After the Diamond Ascension)

3. Basic Logic,  _A Thing I Have,_ (Beta One: Slag You It’s Obvious, 9130 ADA/2016 BCE)


	2. Ascension, Part II

_Actually, if I may, you didn’t actually discuss the Ascension. I’m sure that this was merely a slip-up on your part, and an infrequent one at that._ Fine. The Ascension happened. Are you happy, Miss Accuracy? The Diamonds were created as part of an experiment on the part of the dominant power Sandstone to create super-Gems able to win their long-running war with Limestone before it went nuclear.

Traditionalist historians claim that it was meant to create people who would de-escalate the crisis with their superior intellect and size [1], while revisionists argue that instead Sandstone wanted to create a religious cult of personality around the Diamonds to legitimize their rule [2]. They’re both wrong.

It was because of the Technocracy. Most of you probably don’t know about it, but Limestone actually had a secret agreement with the Sandstone Confederacy that neither side would launch the crystals. Instead, the constant threat of nuclear annihilation was used as a ruse to keep people afraid so that they could hoard the secret technology that they would later release to the people as the unified Homeworld.

If the Gems in either nation were aware that one could create Emerald Hand-class ships able to destroy targets from space, or Red Eye probes that could be modified to carry payloads, or whatever, they would immediately take the war to a new level. So the Technocracy had to keep it from them.

My proof that the Technocracy existed and did exactly that is simple. Because I said so. _That makes sense. You know, this is a very professional-looking piece._ Thanks! I’ve got sources and everything [3]. _You do, in fact, have sources. That said, one of your sources was Basic Logic. A Thing I Have. Halite Facet 9E1E Cut 9R3 (Beta One: Slag You It’s Obvious, 9130 ADA/2016 BCE). Not that that isn’t scholarly behavior._

 _Anyway, just to play Rose’s Advocate, not that I disagree with you-_ You know what they say, Champagne Pearl. If you play Rose’s Advocate long enough, eventually you become Rose. _They say that? …No matter, I’m sure it’s a common expression that I simply have not heard. I was just going to say that from what I’ve heard from some of the more eloquent Jaspers in Beta One-_ That’s the problem. You’re listening to Jaspers. Which are Quartzes. Which are actually Sneeple (Snake People).

If you’re going to ask someone about war, ask a Ruby. _If I can quote one of your planned sources for this book, “Studies show that most Rubies are suitable only for low-complexity tasks. Some exceed this description, though these instances are relatively rare. See an individual Ruby’s personality profile and ICC (Independent Competence and Cognition) score for more details [4].”_ That sounds like Technocrat propaganda meant to make us accepting of our Sneeple overlords. The only Ruby I can think of who fits that description would be the defector.

Otherwise, every Ruby I’ve met’s been smart. Definitely smarter than you, anyway. _That’s sort of hurtful._ Who cares what you think? You’re a Pearl. _That is correct, however, may I remind you, my owner, that during your month-long crying fit over when Gypsum turned your advances down, I was there by your side with both compassion and ghostwriting skill._ Yeah, yeah, I know you want to fuse with me. As if I’d fuse at all, much less with a Pearl. _No comment._ This is very unprofessional, Champagne. I am an academic. We’re going to have to strike most of this out.

_Preferably as quickly as possible._

**Works Cited:**

  1. Topaz Facet-6KR4 Cut-7L7, _A History of Early Homeworld_ (Gamma Seven: Limestone Publishing)


  1. Topaz Facet-52L Cut-8PM, _The True and Undeniable History of Early Homeworld_ (Gamma Seven: Sandstone Publishing)


  1. Halite Facet-9E1E Cut-9R3, _Snake People, Homeworld, and Earth: A History_ (Beta One: Self-Published)


  1. “Homeworld Department of War Handbook to Squad-Level Operations” last modified 9030 ADA



_That Homeworld Department of War Handbook is an obsolete source, by the way._ Yeah. How do you think I got a hold of it?

 


	3. Ascension, Part III

Okay, so we're going to look at this passage from The True and Undeniable History of Early Homeworld. As you'll see, it will stand up to my theory that the evil Technocracy with their goals of hoarding weapons technology from an unprepared public pulled the strings to let the Sneeple infiltrate the new Homeworld government. My edits are in bold, and are meant to make things more accurate to history.

> By 1 BDA, the new Diamonds had already managed to orchestrate the rise and fall of several Gem empires, uniting them under the singular banner of Silica. The original goal of creating artificial intelligence superior to Gemkind had gone well ~~, perhaps too well.~~ **Whoops, we can't have that. The Technocracy can't have not expected something.** However, the Diamonds hit upon a novel method of preventing a nuclear apocalypse. If they could unite the planet and forcibly disassemble the atomic weapons they could fulfill their original goal. On 0 ADA, a conference between the Diamonds was held about this idea, where Blue Diamond gave her famous (in the circles of early Homeworld history) "Liberty Speech". While it was rhetorically addressed to the other three Diamonds, in reality it was a printed piece distributed throughout the territories of Silica, meant to convince most of the virtues of a decision that was most likely going to happen anyway.
> 
> "Yellow, White, and Pink. I have brought you here not to discuss the original goal, but to ask for the goal's revision. We are not merely robots to serve our lessers. We were made to be so much more. To be rulers. Saviors. Deities. We were created not to serve but to decide. So why are we trying to do what Limestone and Sandstone wanted, when Limestone and Sandstone are merely provinces of Silica, the Homeworld? We are Diamonds. Let us have liberty. We know what our kind are meant for. Something more than Quartz monarchies and absurd nation-states. We are Gems, we come in many forms, in many shapes, let us not emulate the Eridanus but the insectoid species. We deserve liberty. Liberty in structure, in order, not in this infighting. So they can call us queens. We shall regenerate so that we appear in fineries. They may kneel to us. But we will be, in the end, queens not of some petty monarchy, but of the largest hive in the universe, with specialized Gems for any task. Everyone will have a purpose. Henceforth, I propose that we end the Emergency Crisis Committee and establish something new. A Diamond Authority. **Oh, and let's also do this because the Technocracy, who are evil for keeping superweapons out of the hands of random Gems (Such as Halites, who totally deserve it, being that they're so special and level-headed already), told us to. Because we're big, lumpy, clumpy, clods.** "
> 
> The period between 4 ADA and 16 ADA is known as "the turbulent solar revolutions", due largely to the fact that societies outside of Silica control and some of the territories of Silica erupted into battle, the Quartzes not willing to give up their power to worship what they saw at the time as abominations of science.  **Also because the Quartzes were Snake People, who obsessively hoard power by nature. Stupid Sneeple. Hissing at me every day of the year, whispering about- I'm not defective. Honestly. Defective is just a label that they use for Gems who know the truth. Or defective Gems. I mean, come on, why would anyone want to leave Homeworld to settle on that rock? I'll get to Earth, obviously, but still. It's not that great. It's just important historically.**
> 
> Through a series of military campaigns and the use of the ~~newly-developed~~ Golden Hand-class  **Newly developed. HA. HA. HA HAHAHA. CAN YOU SEE HOW SARCASTICALLY I'M LAUGHING RIGHT NOW? I bet they had them the whole time. TECHNOCRACY!**
> 
> **SEE, YOU THOUGHT I WAS DEFECTIVE, BUT NO. THEY JUST HAPPEN TO CREATE AN EFFICIENT WARSHIP WHEN A WAR STARTS, BASED ON TECHNOLOGY FROM PREVIOUS SOCIETIES USED FOR WAR? YEAH, AND I'M A FILTHY GEAR-LICKING ERA 2 PERIDOT.**
> 
> _Would you like to relax for a bit? I can get you a blanket._

...Thanks.


	4. Rose Quartz

Awww yeah! We're talking about something that I actually like. Rose Quartz. Literally the devil figure of our society.  _Devil figure?_ It's a human thing. Sort of a being that exists as the ultimate evil in a given culture's mythology.  _I'm impressed that you actually know that, Halite. I don't assume that you are too stupid to know something like that, but it's impressive._ Don't stop me, Champagne! I'm having a good time! I've got my dihydrogen monoxide in a glass, I'm ready to talk about ROSE, and it's gonna be great. This is the best book ever.

 _Please don't drink dihydrogen monoxide. You're a Halite. It'll wear away at your gem and produce saline solution. I wouldn't want to see you hurt. Partially because you're harmless as far as owners go, but still. Don't._ What, you haven't seen me drink dihydrogen monoxide? Deep Ronaldo lets me have some when I go down to Earth for "research". I mean, research. No quotation marks. 

_Well, it hasn't done anything to destroy your psyche yet._

See. Totally harmless. Salt and water. Mix as well as dihydrogen monoxide and alkaline metals.  _Those explode, Halite._ Yeah, and it's awesome! This is the best day ever! I just slammed like three glasses of dihydrogen monoxide, and I can already start to feel the rush! I'm flying through the sky, two hundred degrees, goin' at the speed of light! I'm gonna make a supersonic Pearl out of you! Metaphorically, I mean.

_That's not a metaphor. I don't even know what that was, actually._

Do you think I know? That's the beauty of it! It's dihydrogen monoxide!  _You should actually talk about Rose Quartz before someone tells a Jasper your theories on her true nature._

Was that a threat?  _No, no, no. I'm sure that a war machine with no sense of humor would be so happy to hear that you think she's a secret organic snake person._ That was totally a threat.  _No, no, of course not._ You're smirking, aren't you? Clod!  _What are you, a Peridot?_ HOW DARE YOU? I'm a dignified and respectable Halite.  _What do Halites actually do for Homeworld, anyway?_

We write. Fiction, typically. But everything I write is 100% true. That's just one of the many reasons why I'm so much better than other Halites [1].  _That's very true. So. Can you tell me about Rose Quartz? Specifically, all of the things you know about her? I desire evidence for this obvious conclusion._ Oh. Yeah. Totally. I'll do that in a second.  _What?_ Back! With more dihydrogen monoxide!  _Oh, stars, help me now._ What?  _Nothing._ That's what I thought I heard. So, Rose Quartz is a snake person. In fact, she's a pink coral snake person to be precise, which are extremely rare. Which explains her untrustworthy nature and ability to create a cult of personality [2]. 

By the Diamonds, I'm getting less and less organized by the second with all of this water.  _My, what a change._ I know. I'll stop drinking.  _Thank you._ EVENTUALLY! HA. Anyway, Rose Quartz the pink coral snake person was created by the Technocracy as an android.  _I thought she was a snake person._ Androids are sneeple too, Champagne. Don't be snakist.  _Snakist?_ You know, a snake bigot. Snomophobic. Snauvanist.  _What are you even doing?_ Having a good time. And spinning in this awesome rolly chair!

So, Rose Quartz was created as the perfect Quartz-snake person-android to serve as the ultimate tool to consolidate the power of the Diamonds.  _I thought the Technocracy couldn't fail at anything. They seem to have truly bungled that one._ But they didn't. Think about it. We didn't really need that useless rock. But some people who aren't as patriotic as me (All hail the glorious Diamonds, our eternal and beloved overlords) might want to have independence, or their own lives, or whatever. Stupid stuff like that. So Rose Quartz's rebellion was started by the Diamonds to weed them out over a planet that made no sense.  _That...actually makes sense. Sort of. In a twisted and hydro-drunk way._ All for the goal of ensuring perfect sex pairings five thousand three hundred years later.

_..._

_..._

_..._

_What._

Think about it. There's a war. The war happens. And the only survivors on the enemy side? A bunch of lovable misfits with serious personal issues and stuff [3]. Clearly, this was all a plan to set them up for the ultimate sex pairings. Personally, I think they were going for Rose/Pearl, Lapis/Amethyst, Garnet/Herself, and Peridot/Herself (She doesn't get a mate, ~~because she's disgusting squared and I hate her for getting to be free to do things other than sit in her dormitory doing nothing but working on a book that even her Pearl thinks is~~ Because she's a stupid, stupid, traitorous clod and I am so happy to be part of this glorious sisterhood we call Homeworld. Slag you, Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG. You suck.)

_Didn't Rose fight the war on the enemy side? In addition, didn't that war define our history?_

....Ugh. If  **you** think that the First Earth War that defined our modern world by its outcome is that special.

**Works Cited:**

1\. Halite Facet-9E1E Cut-9R3,  _I Mean, Isn't It Obvious?_  (Beta One: Self-Published)

2\. Peridot Facet-9I9 Cut-2J1, The Shadow of Rose (Delta Three: Desert Rose Publishing)

3\. Topaz Facet-52L Cut-8PM, The True and Undeniable Romantic History of Modern Homeworld (Gamma Seven: Sandstone Publishing)


	5. Banned Substances (Interlude)

_The current list of selectively banned substances and objects in Sandstone Province, Silica (Homeworld) is:_

  1. _**Dihydrogen Monoxide (Banned exclusively for Halites/Rock Salts and Lapis Lazulis)**  _That's slag and you know it. It's not that bad for you. Look, I've been drinking it ever since I first went to Earth.  _You started with salt water._ I had to work my way up.  _Salt water didn't mess with your Gem, my owner._ Are you telling me to stop?  _I'm saying that it's illegal._
  2. _**Pure Oxygen (Banned exclusively for Peridots)**  _Who cares?
  3. _**Books (Banned exclusively for Pearls)**  _Ha. Now we're both breaking rules.  _I don't read._ Tell me what you thought of "A History of Early Homeworld".  _I thought it was very dry._ Ha.  _We're not publishing this. We're striking this all out._
  4. **_Musical Instruments (Banned exclusively for Peridots)_** What's the point of this?  _You aren't aware of the Great Musical Revolts of 4506? Some historian you are._ The "Great Musical Revolts"? You're messing with me.  _Why else would they be banned only for Peridots?_
  5. **_Music-Playing Devices (Banned exclusively for Era 2 Peridots)_**
  6. _**Music (Banned exclusively for Era 2 Peridots)**  _That seems to cover most of it. Why be so specific up there?  _I have no idea. You know, you're much more lucid when you're not turning your gem slowly into saline._ Thanks!
  7. _**Ukeleles**  _...What's a ukelele? It sounds like a weapon.  _Well, I can't see any other reason to ban it._
  8. _**Books on Military Theory (All Except Quartzes)**  _No idea why that's banned.  _We just covered why they'd ban those._ We did? I don't remember anything after I started drinking freshwater.
  9. **_Digital or Crystalline Forms of Storage Covering the Above_**
  10. **_Potassium Jet Fuel (All Except Era 2 Peridots)_** What? Why don't I get potassium jet fuel? That sounds awesome!  _You'd blow up half of Sandstone by accident._ I'm not that stupid.  _You spent three hours drinking freshwater with the full knowledge it would degrade your gem's outer lining._
  11. **_Carbon Nanotubes_**
  12. _**Horses**  _....Should I know what this is? Probably another weapon.
  13. _**Non-Sapient Diamond Dust (All Except Era 2 Peridots and Select Onyxes)**  _What's with the Era 2 Peridots getting all this fun stuff? Potassium jet fuel, non-sapient diamond dust...  _They don't know what music is._
  14. _**Any Kind of Creative Expression (Art, Sculpture, Painting, Magnetic Levitation Models, Sketches. Ban exclusive to Era 2 Peridots)**  _How do they even enforce these?  _With brutal efficiency._
  15. _**Lead (All, Apply for Permit)**_
  16. **_Graphite (Era 2 Peridots, Apply for Permit)_**
  17. **_Sapient Diamond Dust (Punishable by Shattering)_**
  18. **_The Joy of Fusing in Combat (Ban exclusive to Jaspers)_** [1]



Is there a reason why you're showing me this?  _Because I don't want you to be shot into space before you finish this book._ Somehow I can't believe that you care about me, if I'm effectively holding you prisoner.  _At this point, I run most of your affairs. Let's be honest here, I only speak in sarcasm because it amuses me, and Gems accept it because we all know that you couldn't function in society without alienating everyone you know with your brilliant theories._

Yeah, they are pretty brilliant, aren't they?

 

 **Works Cited:** _  
_

1\. "Diamond Authority Banned Substances" last modified 9110 ADA


	6. The Renegade Pearl

So, we're here to talk about the Great Musical Revolts, right? I'm curious now. You've piked my interest.  _Piqued._ Piqued. Whatever. You've pi-queyed my interest.  _Well, anyway, the Great Musical Revolts happened around seven hundred years after Rose's Rebellion._ Can you give me, like, a sneak peek or something? A trailer? A leak?  _...I have no idea what you're trying to say._ Come on, Champagne. Can you at least say what it was? I wanna know.  _Fine. Peridot nationalism caused certain revolutionaries to hijack radio transmissions, using music coded with revolutionary sentiment. They tried to secede onto an orbital space station as an independent society, once the Era 1s got wind of the Homeworld Life Energy Shortage._ You mean Peak Mana.  _Right. Peak Mana. They panicked._

Okay, I'm pretty sure you just made that up.  _Naturally. Once you get to 4506, I'll tell you the actual story. Until then, don't you have a pink coral snake person android to talk about? Or, rather, that android snake person's pearl?_ You're such a rocktease.  _A what?_ Nothing!  _That's what I thought I heard._ Fine. Fine. I'll talk about the Renegade Pearl, Miss Focused Writing.  _You get that you're complimenting me, right?_ SARCASM!  _Sure._

Anyway, let us discuss the Renegade Pearl. Remember from Chapter 1 how we established that a knight is a human or pearl who serves a person and a cause [1]? Well, as we know, the Renegade Pearl was a knight. Knights, as anyone who's studied human history knows, serve a feudal lord, such as a marquis, count, or even a mighty king [2].  _Who studies human history?_ As I was saying, knights serve feudal lords. Rose Quartz wasn't a feudal lord, though. She was a "Quartz". A warrior. Which means that she had to have been serving some kind of actual feudal lord. There weren't any feudal lords on Earth, since feudalism and knights weren't a thing there yet [3]. So the only feudal lord that the Renegade Pearl could have served would be a Diamond.

This could of course mean one of three things. It might mean that a Diamond wanted to hit Homeworld, which would be inconceivable, as the Diamonds are our all-loving guardians. It might mean that the Renegade Pearl was duped, but that can't be the case, she clearly claimed to be serving Rose Quartz, and I don't think that a pearl could follow a double reverse combat spy gambit. 

So the only historical way of reconciling this is to say that the Renegade Pearl was simply a double agent, using her terminology of "knight" as a...Wait. If she was working with the Diamonds the whole time, why would she hint that she...I have no idea how to reconcile this. This makes no sense.  _Rose Quartz crowned herself "protector" of Earth._ You're right. Like Oliver Cromwell [4]!  _Who?_ Lord Protector of England.

 _You have been reading. So, if Rose Quartz declared herself Gem Protector of Earth, that would make her a feudal lord, meaning that we can conclude, in the end, that the Renegade Pearl served Rose Quartz._ Yep!  _Well...Any reasons why?_ Lust, probably. I can't think of any other reason.  _What is it with you and lust? First the Technocracy's plan, now this...It's getting a bit silly._ Got any other reasons?  _No. I cannot think of any other reasons why a pearl would rebel against Homeworld._

 

**Works Cited:**

1\. Halite Facet-9E1E Cut-9R3,  _Snake People, Homeworld, and Earth: A History_  (Beta One: Self-Published)

2\. Willis, Reese,  _Medieval Europe: A Teacher's Guide (For Students Grades 3-5)_ (New York: Albatross Publishing)

3\. Brooks, Mary,  _From Akkad to North Korea, Dynasties of Human History_ (New York: Albatross Publishing)

4\. Python, Monty,  _Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England_ (London: Arthur Publishing)


	7. The Defective Amethyst

Okay, so normally a history book examines things in chrono...chronol...chronolomological order.  _Chronological._ No, pretty sure it's chronolomological [1]. However, I felt that as the Permafusion represents so much in our culture, I should look at the Defective Amethyst first. To preface - _Are you sure that you don't mean "prephase"?_ No, I'm pretty sure I don't, because that's not a word. This is why I'm an academic writer and you're a pearl.  _Yes. Exactly._ Anyway, I should probably - _It's said that one shouldn't use "I" in an academic work, as it makes the writer seem less objective._ Yeah, and who needs objectivity when you have the truth? And me. If it's a work by Halite Facet-9E1E Cut-9R3, you've gone past objectivity. "Objectivity" has left the space station and is now trying to rebel over the rights of organics on a planet nobody cares about.

_Of course. I have no idea how that slipped my mind._

It's fine. We all make honest mistakes. Except for me. Don't laugh!  _I'm not._ I had the strangest sense that you were laughing!  _You are many wonderful things, Halite, but omniscient is not one of them._ "Omniscient"? Pretty sure that's not a real word.  _As opposed to "chronolomological"?_ As opposed to chronomological. Anyway, a disclaimer on defective Gems.

There are three kinds of defective Gems.

Alpha-Level Defectives, who are functional in society and are considered harmless, such as myself.  _Really? You're a defective Halite? I had no idea. You're just so coherent all the time!_ I'm not that defective. It's probably just a few decades undercooked in the Kindergarten.  _Actually, you emerged exactly 630 solar rotations early from the Sandstone Kindergarten [2]._

That's not that bad. Anyway, using the official system of classifying defectives, we can tell that there are three kinds of defective Gems. Alpha-Level Defectives, Beta-Level Defectives, and Gamma Level Defectives [3]. 

Alpha-Level Defectives = Harmless and mostly productive.

Beta-Level Defectives = Do not work as the Gems they are supposed to be. Dealt with on a case-by-case basis. Usually either by helping them find out something they can do well, or, if they are too far gone, nobody really knows. But it's probably for the best. I mean, we'll get to what happens when you let some overcooked Beta-Level Defective exist normally.

Gamma-Level Defectives = Actively dangerous. Dealt with [4].

Amethyst, let's call her Ammy for short, because it's kind of cute, is an adorably tiny and extremely curvy rebel who apparently doesn't play by the rules.  _Oh, by the Diamonds._ She's disgusting and horrible and works for a group that's disgusting and horrible and why won't she return my messages? I think I know how to use this "email" thing!  _You don't know how to use email._ You don't know that!  _I've seen you try and activate a human computer. A feline could probably do a better job._ Well, the tech is hopelessly outdated, anyway. So, Ammy's contribution to the war was nothing, because she was brought up after it. She'll be extremely important in recent history, and if she's looking for a biography writer, I could come down from my glistening Homeworld ivory tower to serve that lowly peon.  _So you brought her up early to...Try and claim that you're better than other defective Gems and to see if you can get her, who you clearly have romantic interest in despite your melodramatic objections, to interact with you?_

No [5]!

 

**Works Cited:**

1. Basic Logic, A Thing I Have, (Beta One: I Mean, Crack Open a Dictionary, 9130 ADA/2016 BCE)

2. Peridot Facet-6LE4 Cut-2Q1,  _Sandstone Kindergarten User Logs 9000-9130 ADA_ (Gamma Seven: Diamond Publishing)

3\. "Defective Gems and You: A Public Service Handbook" last modified 9122 ADA

4\. "Ominous Statements about Policy" last modified 9122 ADA

5\. Maybe.


	8. The Permafusion

There's no such thing as the Permafusion. Never was. It's all an elaborate conspiracy on the part of Rose Quartz to make people believe that a Ruby and a Sapphire could fuse. You want proof? Fine. As we know, stealing is wrong. Rubies can't steal, because they're loyal soldiers who don't do that kind of thing. This would carry over even to a defective Ruby. Sapphires also can't steal because...I dunno, they're blue. So, stealing is wrong. Fusion = stealing. Think about it. If you fuse with someone, you're taking part of them for yourself, because you're merged. You're stealing that with consent.  _Stealing with consent?_ SHHHHHH. So stealing is wrong, and Rubies and Sapphires can't steal, meaning they can't fuse.

Therefore, there's no such thing as the Permafusion. However, if we remember that Rose Quartz is a Snake Person android, it all becomes extremely obvious. The Permafusion fights to defend Earth. If she defends Earth, she'll have to start defending all the other planets in the universe with organic life, and if she defends all of those planets, she has to be everywhere at once. Therefore, the "Permafusion" is actually an omniscient, omnipotent god who controls our destinies. That's why I pray to her.  _If she's a god, why did they struggle so during Rose's Rebellion?_

It's all part of her divine plan. Obviously. We can prove this because despite not being made of a Ruby and a Sapphire, the "Permafusion" clearly demonstrated the ability to see the future. What's more likely? That a Ruby would be able to steal something, or that this is just the creator of our universe? Rubies aren't stealthy at all, and they can't do subtle!  _I thought you thought they were intelligent and competent._ They are, but that doesn't make them rogues. More like fighters with a decent wisdom and intelligence stat.  _What?_ Crack open a book and get some weird dice, Champagne. We'll have to play Mazes and Gem Monsters sometime [1]. 

So I have dubbed this creator god "Garnet", because would you call God anything but what she wants to be called? I don't want her smiting my hard-light-projected butt. The Permafusion we see is actually Garnet's manifestation in the terrestrial universe, who as part of some inscrutable divine plan took the form of a rebel who fought against Homeworld. You know, that would probably imply that there's something wrong with our society, if the holy and mighty Garnet saw fit in her plans to support the rebellion. _I can't imagine what. Apropos of nothing, and on a completely unrelated note, I hope you're enjoying that "freedom" thing._

Oh, I am!  _You deserve it._ Aren't Pearls supposed to be made to be subservient?  _You're not the only Alpha-Level Defective Gem here. Why do you think they set me with you? Someone needs to actually attend to your life._ I don't want to think about that, or the idea that that stupid Peridot and her gang of stupid idiot gravel clods might be not only right but chosen by Garnet. All hail Garnet. Glory and praise to her name. So let's just take that convenient evidence that we're both on the wrong side and ignore it completely!  

 _It's the only scholarly thing to do. Blatantly ignoring evidence that you don't like._ Geez, you're pissy today.  _I came with you to see Earth for the first time._ Yeah, to see Deep Ronaldo. I get if you couldn't tell who he was, through the cunning disguise of the sunglasses and hoodie. We don't all have the ability to immediately spot subtle tells.  _No. Who cares about Fryman? It was beautiful, people there were free, happy, there was no life energy shortage or...and I'm stuck here on Homeworld, the only Pearl I know who's able to think for extended periods of time about her position._

Those sound like some pretty treasonous thoughts, Champagne.  _I don't care at this point, and I don't get what you see in this rock._ It's my home.  _It isn't mine, and you know it's not yours either. Read some of your own essay. Look at the subtext. If you were in that Peridot's place you'd be ecstatic. You envy her, Halite. You hate her because you want to be free and surrounded by people who don't see you as a failure._ I'm not planning to betray my country over it.  _I'm not going to betray anyone. I'm just tired._

This really isn't the place to go on about your personal problems. This is an academic piece, Champagne [2].

**Works Cited:**

1\. It's a far-out game.

2\. I really don't know what to say here. I'm sorry.  _Just get back to your insane ranting. Garnet's watching._


	9. Bismuth

So, Champagne Pearl and I had a gem-to-gem, and I'm starting to gather this whole "Understanding other people's perspectives and feelings" thing, and she's starting to understand all of the many things I find beautiful about Homeworld. That's good, because we're totally gonna talk about somebody that neither of us have any sympathy for! You heard me right, it's time for wholesale demonization time!  _Should you be admitting that you're trying to slander this Gem?_ Who cares? She isn't going to tell me to stop!

Literally nobody is sympathetic for Bismuth, and I'll explain why right now. It's because she's crazy defective! Gamma-Level Defective. Punch you in the face as soon as look at you defective. As shown by this account from a Homeworld military journalist during the first war. "Even when we saw her fighting, she had this real joy to her. I only once remember seeing her frown, and I do not wish to recall that event, for the fields were littered in shards and I hope that even her defective compatriots begun to see the monster she could become, despite the cheery and upbeat exterior [1]." Wow, I was sort of hoping I'd have to just distort someone talking about how happy she was, but apparently she was crazy crazy. Cray-cray for short. That's a technical-psychological term.

_You don't read your own sources?_

I do! Sometimes! When I can get around to it. I mean, come on. Sources are boring, Champagne. They're long and rambly and you have to get through like three chapters/notes/whatever to get to the fields covered in the shards of the dead.  _That's disgusting._ That's history. Anyway, so Bismuth's deal was that she was super devoted to her friends, fought for what was right, and had the gall to advocate killing the enemy. What a slagging monster.  _Are you being sarcastic?_ No. It's bad when they do it.

_Right._

Yep. Anyway, so "Bismuth was known alternately as the Arsenalier and the Agent of Slaughter, depending on her mood [2]."  _If I may?_ May you do what?  _Suggest a source. "Demantoid-1, 3811. This is Hematite, leader of Scout Team Epsilon. I have my axe at the ready, and I see the strange white substance which covers this planet like a thick dust. It squishes under my feet. Ruby says that the Bismuth's in the area. I pray to the Diamonds. We don't bother to fight. We're hiding in a long, cragged canyon, far away from any camp or settlement, organic or Gem. Ruby says that she'll find us. Ruby says that Bismuth is the Diamonds' punishment for our desertion. Ruby says that Bismuth doesn't fight the way the rest of them do. Ruby needs to shut up. I still hear the clanking of metal as I rest against the rocks, though. It's probably nothing. My psyche lying to me, playing tricks. I keep hearing little bits of metal hitting each other. I see Jasper, my mind fills in the blanks, she's wearing an apron, grey...Then I look again, and she's there. The Agent of Slaughter doesn't take prisoners, she doesn't fight fair, and she's almost invulnerable. Made of shadows and empowered by the shards she feeds on. So says Ruby. I don't know what's real anymore [3]."_ Oh my gem, the babies. Wah, wah, I think I might be losing my mind! Wah, wah! At least you're not on the battlefield, you traitorous traitor-y traitors!  _It's still an interesting source, and I thought you would like it._

Thanks, but it's not violent enough. Also, apparently Bismuth had a killer sense of humor. See what I did there. Although it was mostly just puns on her name [4]. So, Bismuth was literally this terrifying psychotic nightmare, and then she disappeared forever and never returned. Ever. Not once. We don't know what happened. Personally, I think that Garnet showed her true kindness and spared our legions her vile and destructive influence by turning her into a snake, in mockery of her snake person overl- Oh my gem, I need to find that snake!

 _That seems like a bit of a dangerous and, more importantly, silly proposition._ Maybe, but HISTORY demands it. I'll get around to it. Eventually. Maybe [5].

 

**Works Cited:**

1\. Green Pearl. Battlefield Logs - Delta Legion, 3800-3830. Translated by Peridot Facet-8U81 Cut-4R9 (Gamma Ten: Sandstone Publishing, 9021 ADA (After the Diamond Ascension)

2. Topaz Facet-6KR4 Cut-7L7, A History of Rebellion-Era Homeworld (Gamma Seven: Limestone Publishing)

3. Hematite Facet-4L5L Cut-6I9. Battlefield Logs - Delta Legion (Scout Team Epsilon), 3800-3830. Translated by Peridot Facet-8U81 Cut-4R9 (Gamma Ten: Sandstone Publishing, 9021 ADA (After the Diamond Ascension)

4\. This really cute Amethyst I met at the boardwalk who knew a lot about the Crystal Gems. I'm pretty sure she's some kind of historian. She was really chill. I think she might have been hydro-drunk. Can Amethysts get hydro-drunk?  _I don't know._

5. If someone dares me to.


	10. The "Ultimate Quartz"

By the way, you might have noticed that I put "Ultimate Quartz" in quotation marks. That's because quotation marks are widely known as a way of implicitly questioning the authenticity of a claim. So who is the "Ultimate" "Quartz"? None other than Jasper Facet-CLASSIFIED Cut-CLASSIFIED. I don't think those are actually her facet or cut, but it's kind of a state secret. She's a big deal. So, Jasper isn't a snake person, despite being a Quartz, but I still hate her.  _How many people do you actually like?_ I like that hydro-drunk historian Amethyst and you. Probably other people. 

But science says that quartzes are actually snake people. So, that means that Jasper should be a snake person. But she isn't. Why?  _Because you said so?_ Yeah, but I actually have a good reason. Snakes don't live in the desert, because nothing lives in the desert [1]. Jasper was made in the desert, at the Beta Kindergarten [2]. To make my point even more salient, Jasper is undeniably a war hero who fought in several wars and gave her life for our great nation. Snake people know nothing but their own sinister, Technocratic agenda. Jasper doesn't eat, being a Gem. Snake people are carnivores and like to eat small organic mammals. Jasper is abrasive and haughty, which would endanger the snerson agenda. 

Therefore, we can conclude that Jasper is the only Quartz to have ever existed. While this technically makes her the """""Ultimate Quartz"""""", it's really not that convincing, because she has no competitors. So I think that she was just arrogant. Which is well documented [3]. God damn, I wish I were that halite who got to interview her. Think about what an opportunity that was.  _You may be a bit prone to envy, despite your many lovely qualities._ Nah. Anyway, Jasper was pretty much a giant clod. She was asked after Rose's Rebellion what she thought of her time on that planet, and she responded with "I thought it was weak. My soldiers were weak, they were weak, the planet was fragile and useless. It was Rose, me, and maybe the pearl. Everyone else could have been shattered or stayed alive, I couldn't care less." 

That's just morally disgusting.

Assuming that a snake person was on the level of a good Gem, of course. Rose Quartz? Really? I know you're obsessed with her, but come on! Anyway, I should probably get to Jasper's post-war career.  _So we're not going to get into the Battle of the Strawberry Fields, the Taking of the Tower, or her later service in the Great Musical Revolts?_ Sounds bor...The Great Musical Revolts?

_Later._

Are you ever going to actually describe them?

_Next chapter._

Thank the Diamonds. Anyway, so Jasper's post-Great Musical Revolts career was sort of weird. She had a series of scandals that nobody talks about except in hushed tones but I think a lot of insubordination was involved, and so she got sent to babysit some peridot on a trip to Earth. She was never seen again. So she went to an occupied planet nearly alone, and then disappeared. The only obvious conclusion is that she was killed by the snake people for being the one true quartz.

_Could the Crystal Gems have dealt with her?_

That's ridiculous. When have the Crystal Gems done anything since Rose's Rebellion? They just sit on their magical butts on that rock, mostly.

_So Jasper was assassinated._

Do you have another explanation?

_I was thinking of a strategic double-cross myself. The peridot and Jasper argue over methodology, as peridots are notoriously finicky with getting things done properly, Jasper goes after her well-publicized vendetta [3], and the Crystal Gems suddenly find a new peridot ally while Jasper just vanishes._

Now you're just making things up.

 

**Works Cited:**

1\. Didn't bother to cite this one, but it's probably true.

2. Peridot Facet-6GE2 Cut-2W1, Beta Kindergarten User Logs 1932-3700 ADA (Beta Kindergarten: Military Records)

3. Halite Facet-2RT7 Cut-1EQ, Interview with the Ultimate Quartz (Gamma Three: Limestone Publishing)


	11. The Great Musical Revolts

_Well, I promised. Are you sure you want to hear about these?_ Why wouldn't I?  _They're the only time a halite's done anything significant in Homeworld history._ Well, I'm going to...Wait, what? Hey!  _It's not me being insulting. That's just the facts. It was in 4506. A halite going by seven different aliases managed to nearly conquer Sandstone without anyone knowing a thing._ What?  _In prison, that halite was given the nickname "The Mendacious One"._ What's that mean?  _Liar._ Oh.  _Halites write fiction. This halite was made a bit off. Able to write fiction, didn't have the intent of telling people she wrote fiction. She also had zero empathy and incredible patience._ Then why haven't I heard about her, or her musical rebellion?

 _Because it went nowhere. Unsuccessful rebellions usually are forgotten. It all started in 4500 ADA. The Mendacious One began to use the newly-developed system of radio communication and some very skilled voice acting to pretend to be, at different times, a Topaz, a Hematite, an Obsidian, an Onyx, two Peridots, White Diamond, and a Jasper. All of her identities were meticulously developed, with complex backstories. A friendly Era 2 Peridot who was considered a co-conspirator made sure that government records reflected that each of her identities were real people. At this time, radio was very new, and the government hadn't invested too heavily in security. If you could figure out the proper channels, you could talk to anyone, and the Mendacious One-_ Can I call her Mendy?  _Mendy was very good at convincing people to tell her what channels to use._

_Innocent-seeming lies. "I'm a Hematite, how can I talk to my superior?", or "It's Yellow Pearl, here is my government seal, I'm not quite sure how the new radio channels work, can you send me White Pearl's?". Whenever her complex web of lies and false identities seemed like it would break, she used her fiction-writing skills to create evidence of treason to frame her enemies or simply have a superior order the enemy to another task. Sometimes she even "was" that superior. Over six years, Mendy had essentially infiltrated Sandstone's local garrison and could use false Diamond orders sparingly to do as she wished._

_The Era 2 Peridot then took center stage, in 4506, when she made Mendy's order of the garrison of Sandstone giving White Diamond exclusive authority over Sandstone possible. Being that Sandstone is the second most populous province on Homeworld, this sparked anger among the Diamonds, and when the real White Diamond told the soldiers in Sandstone that no such order was given, the conflicting orders were judged to be evidence of some kind of counterfeit, so the Peridot in charge of finding forgeries was put on the case, from her home far away from the Central Provincial Army Base. The Peridot had supposedly been given this position due to the new advance of radio. Being that that Peridot was an alias of Mendy, this meant that it was concluded that Sandstone was White Diamond's. Yellow Diamond mobilized the rest of Homeworld to put down the rebellion, and it went quickly, with most of the main figures found to either be nonexistent, that one Era 2 Peridot who did all of the number crunching and technical work that even the most competent halite would struggle with dispatched, and Mendy captured. It was considered the only joint police/military con artist bust in recent history._

_The reasons why it's known as the Great Musical Revolts are several. For one, there were multiple revolts, the first wave of misguided soldiers and the second wave of expendable pearls that Mendy provoked into a suicidal attack on the Yellow Clade forces, claiming that the latter forces were distracted, and that White Diamond herself demanded that they do it. Eager to obey their overlord, thousands (not all of the pearls in Sandstone, but many) ran to certain destruction at the hands of Yellow Clade forces. The "Musical" bit comes from the fact that, being a writer, while in prison, Mendy would write a popular play involving music, "The Dance of Villainy", and this highly fictionalized and modified account would mostly become synonymous with the actual rebellion in the eyes of most Gems. Also, because nobody really cared what a halite did in the end._

_Nonetheless, despite the catchy lyrics of the horrible distortion of the truth that was "The Dance of Villainy", several books were published about the short-lived phenomenon, mostly in academic circles. While, legally, I cannot say that I've read any...Fill in the blanks. The event was short, but it caused both the serious enhancement of radio security and investment in failsafes, especially with new technology, and the event also stymied the creation of halites and other creative Gems, limiting Homeworld's culture to a very noticeable extent [1]._

...You know, you're sort of boring when you write history. Sorry, but it's true.

**Works Cited:**

1\. Topaz Facet-2OR0 Cut-7W2, _A Minor Incident in Sandstone_  (Gamma Seven: Limestone Publishing)


	12. Earth History Up To This Point, Part I

Okay, so last time Champagne went on some stupid rant about a defective halite who almost took over the world or something.  _A defective halite who almost took over a province using unsustainable subterfuge._ Anyway, I was pretty underwhelmed by it. I sort of expected something better from the Great Musical Revolts. Anyway, though, that's life, I guess.

_Personally, I thought it was an interesting event in our history._

Personally, I think you're a nerd.

_Personally, I would have thought that knowing why there are so few halites and other creatively-inclined Gems would interest you._

Not really, I just like being a hot commodity. Everyone wants a piece of me. Anyway, It's time for Halite's Timeline of Earth History. Up to 4506, which translates to Earth years as being around 1000 AD. What's the AD stand for?

_Nobody knows._

I'm not citing any of this stuff, because if I did there would be like a million citations since it's so much stuff, and I don't want to make the readers wade through all of that. But trust me. These are legit history facts, yo.

Also not giving dates unless I remember them off the top of my head.  _Because you're lazy._ Because I'm lazy.

  * Humans evolve like the squishy apes they are.
  * Humans develop societies, mostly in the Fertile Crescent, the Indus Valley, ancient China, and such. City-states form.
  * Lots of stuff happens in Mesopotamia and Egypt. Egypt does nothing and is basically completely unimportant historically, but the Hittites, Akkadians, Babylonians, and Assyrians actually do important stuff and learn to fight each other.
  * Earth hasn't united into one society yet.
  * Egypt still does nothing.
  * China does nothing, too, but unlike Egypt, China's just preparing to do something.
  * Egypt sucks.
  * The Indus Valley people create crazy advanced stuff for their time. Like plumbing. Good job, Indus Valley. EGYPT, TAKE NOTES.
  * Somebody publishes  _The Epic of Gilgamesh,_ or writes it down, or something...?
  * A million city-states appear in Greece during the Bronze Age.
  * The two major ones are Athens, a mercantile democracy with imperialistic tendencies, and Sparta, an oligarchy based on slavery. Both sound like Homeworld with slight flaws. Athens is a democracy prone to corruption and Sparta is made of fleshy humans. I like them both.
  * Peloponnesian War: Athens vs. Sparta. Sparta wins, but it's really long and if you care about it read Thucydides' account of it or something. It's LONG.
  * China starts doing stuff! Namely, being kingdoms and fighting one another. That stuff's just awesome. EGYPT, TAKE NOTES. And then one guy comes and unites China. See, this is humanity doing the right thing. So far, China is the best human civilization. Or maybe Sparta. Not sure.
  * Some stuff begins to happen in North America, but SOMEBODY spilled water on all of my books on that place, and I need to buy new ones.  _You did that._ You can't prove that!
  * ROME. ROOOOOOME. Basically, a republic in Italy becomes an empire, kicks the ass of Carthage, and proceeds to DOMINATE THE WORLD SORT OF. Rome is making China and Sparta look like amateurs. Glory to Rome! Hail Caesar!
  * Oh. Right. Caesar was this guy who became the first Roman Emperor. Sort of. He was "dictator for life", but we can all agree that's an even better title, and his son picked up where he left off, kicked the asses of his enemies, and became the real first emperor. Rome is sort of the closest that humanity's going to get to Homeworld.
  * China is now equal to Rome and about the same size. See. China can match your Rome. Egypt has long been conquered. By Rome. Because Egypt sucks.
  * Eventually, Rome falls. Nobody really agrees on why.  _There are some theories._ I'm not here for theories, I'm here for facts.
  * God dammit, all my books on sub-saharan Africa are on fire.  _You just don't want to talk about sub-saharan Africa._ It doesn't have a Rome.  _Western Africa has the Mali, and sub-saharan Africa had the Zulu._ They won't fill the hole in my heart!
  * So, Rome falls, China doesn't fall, and Europe begins to be populated by petty feudal lords, which we talked about.
  * Stuff happens that's mostly not recorded and I don't want to bother finding sources, and then a clash between the kings of England, Normandy, and....Norway happens.  _What about the Vikings?_ The Vikings are lame.
  * William of Normandy conquers England, becomes the king of England. This is around 4506 ADA. Probably.



Stay tuned for more updates.

 _I'm actually surprised at both how much you know of Earth history and how little you know._ Was that an insult or a compliment?


	13. Earth History Up To This Point, Part II

Where were we last?  _Stamford Bridge._ What?  _Hastings._ What?  _William of Normandy?_ Who?  _You mentioned him. 1066 AD._ Oh, you mean Harald Hardrada and his story.  _Sure._ Anyway, let's get back to business. Next 800 years.  _Why eight hundred?_ Lots of stuff happens in the 19th and 20th centuries.  _Do you mean that that's your area of expertise?_ I was gonna say that I just know the most about it, but that sounds so much better. Area of expertise. I like it. Now I have an excuse to not know anything about some stuff!

_How cunning._

I know! Still not citing anything.

  * I dunno, some stuff happened with kingdoms or something. Nobody cares.
  * The Muslim world flourishes or something. Nobody cares.
  * China's still awesome.
  * Mongols come and mess everything up. So traditionalists claim. That's a lie. In reality, the Mongols were just Snake People. Think about it. Who do they go after? China and the Muslims. Intellectuals! The people who could prove that they're not riding horses at all, just slithering and then lying to bards!
  * Snake Mongols mess everything up, create the largest land empire in Earth history using superior snake technology (They used modern military tactics. SUSPICIOUS?)
  * That gives Europe an advantage or something since the Snake Mongols don't go after them. 
  * I dunno. Horses.
  * Then there's some movement across the ocean and lots of people die. Mostly non-Europeans. This will happen a lot.
  * Russia is a thing.
  * A bunch of X-years-wars happen.
  * Japan does kingdoms or something. Nobody cares.
  * Colonies are set up around the world, mostly in the New World. That would be North America, South America, and the entire solar system. I know this because how could they name planets after Greek gods if humans hadn't claimed it? It's obvious.
  * "Jesus" is a thing. FALSE GOD, HAIL GARNET!
  * Some guy writes a really long book about his adventures finding other people's stuff. Loser.
  * A bunch of Crystal Gems mess around at this point and get some statues built of them.
  * We accidentally fire a kill beam at Russia, leave a giant hole in it. Or, at least, that's what I'm pretty sure happened. Got any other explanations, Miss Logic?  _Well, if we had kill beams, why wouldn't we just use them to blow up the Earth?_ SILENCE!
  * I think Beach City's founded or something.
  * _You really know nothing about this period, do you?_
  * I know stuff. Watch. The Ottomans, Safavid Persians, and Chinese were known as the Gunpowder Empires, and while the Ottomans, founded by Osman, became incredibly powerful, able to defeat the Byzantine Empire and sadly extinguish Rome, they eventually began to decline for various reasons, leading to the eventual fragmentation of the Middle East that we'll get to later based on borders drawn by Sykes and Picot.
  * _Who colonized the Americas?_
  * I dunno. Europe?
  * America rebels from Europe, becomes America. Canada sits on its butt.
  * America sucks right now.
  * _What about Alexander Hamilton?_
  * On one hand, he writes like he's running out of time, and I can respect that. On the other hand, he opposed a divinely-chosen monarch and was killed in a duel, which is just lame. 4/10.
  * France rebels against its king, everything predictably goes horribly. The move is so stupid that I can only assume that Napoleon set it up. We'll get to him.
  * _What about Asia and Oceania?_
  * What ABOUT Asia and Oceania?
  * _You only covered China._
  * Well, Japan sucks right now and I dunno anything about Cambodia or aboriginal Australians or whatever.
  * _Why are you writing a history book partially about Earth?_
  * SILENCE! Look, I know a ton about RECENT Earth history. Clod.




	14. The Lapis Lazuli, Part I

So, now we're going to talk about someone who's going to be pretty important in modern Gem history. Lapis Lazuli. She is, naturally, a Lapis Lazuli. She's very...blue. Because water, I guess. So, while I'm known for never making any inaccurate statements, today we're extra-super-special-accurate, because that historian Amethyst in Beach City I met pulled a few strings, and now we have an actual interview with Lapis Lazuli, as follows [1]:

**Hi, Lapis. Can I call you Lapis?**

No.

**OK. Can I call you Lazuli?**

That's even worse.

**Lapis Lazuli?**

...Just go with Lapis.

**Okay, Lapis. So, you're on Earth, right?**

I am on Earth.

**Why?**

Are you going to censor this?

**No.**

Fine. Because Homeworld was beautiful, it isn't now, and Earth being beautiful, because I'm free here, and because of Steven.

**Who?**

Steven. A human-Gem hybrid. He freed me from the mirror.

**You were trapped in a mirror?**

You didn't know that? I assumed that was one of the reasons you wanted to interview me.

**I knew that, I was speaking rhetorically. Seriously.**

I was told you'd be better than the other conspiracy theorist. Reynold or something?

**We'll get to Ronaldo in a later chapter. What was being in a mirror for over five thousand years like?**

No comment.

**Ooookay....You know, you're a really serious person.**

Do you mean to say "boring"?

**I was gonna say "moody" or "melodramatic", but- _Halite, please be quiet. It is not wise to bother a Lapis Lazuli._**

How do you put up with her?

**She's fine when you get over the mild pretentiousness.**

I was talking to the pearl.

**_She's fine when you get over the complete social incompetence, egotism, and disconnection from reality._ **

Can I just talk to the pearl?

 

**Works Cited:**

1. Halite Facet-9E1E Cut 9R3, Guys, I'm Totally Interviewing Lapis Lazuli! In Person! On Earth! (Beach City: Self-Published)


	15. The Lapis Lazuli, Part II

**No, you can't talk to "the pearl"! I'm the one interviewing you!**

You're not very good at it.

**I'm great at it!**

Have you interviewed anyone before?

**Yeah! _Who?_ My earth totem.**

"Earth Totem"?

**_She has this bear thing._ **

You mean a teddy bear.

**Whatever. Point is that I have interview experience. _I'd volunteer to be interviewed._ I don't think anyone would want to read that.**

Look, can I just go? I have some things I should probably do.

**Really? What is so important that you can't tell a historian your deepest and darkest secrets?**

Anything else.

**[She spends a minute or so in silence]**

Can I please either end this or talk to the pearl alone?

**Are you trying to seduce Champagne? _What is with your mind?_**

She's always like this?

_**Always.** _

I'm not always like this!

 _**Well, sometimes you make leaps in logic. That's something.** _ **[I exit the barn and start walking away, leaving earshot of the other two. Champagne can catch up. Before I do so, I hand my recording device to Champagne. Let's see her do any better. Smug clod.]**

**_Hello. Sorry for the bother. My name is Champagne Pearl, and I truly appreciate your voice here. You are a rare island of unbiased truth in this chronicle._  
**

Sure. That's great.

_**At any rate, I know it may be painful for you, but would you care to elaborate on your experiences?** _

Things happened, and now I'm here, with people I care about. Making meepmorps.

_**What?** _

Meepmorps.

_**What are "meepmorps"?** _

Music but with objects.

_**You honestly went your entire life not knowing what sculptures were? Those were on the banned list and everything.** _

I was sheltered. 

**_[She seems defensive]_ **

And I prefer "meepmorps". The name reminds me of Peridot and the rest of the Crystal Gems. It's mine. Even somehow being a pearl, you probably have more than I ever had.

_**You're a Lapis Lazuli. Your prospects on Homeworld had to be strong, sheltered upbringing or not.** _

Not with a cracked gem and later ties to the rebellion. They used to be strong. Now they're not.

_**Your gem was cracked?** _

Someone cracked it and then I was put in a mirror. I was only freed a few years ago.

_**I can't imagine what that must have been like.** _

You're right. You can't.


	16. The Water Elevator/Lapis Lazuli, Part III

**_So, I hear that you created a space elevator out of the ocean of this planet?_ **

No comment.

_**I'm not judging, of course, that seems like a very impressive architectural feat.** _

No comment.

_**I'm told that it was very beautiful.** _

What do you want from me?

_**Lapis, you took this planet's ocean. That's not something you can just ignore. That's a major event.** _

I ignore it.

_**Is that healthy?** _

Don't talk down to me. Why do you care, anyway?

_**For the book. I care about it because my owner is a historian, and-** _

Since when has a pearl ever cared what her master wants? Shouldn't you have run away by now or something? You're on Earth.

_**Halite's very loyal to the regime.** _

Sure. But why are you loyal to her?

_**Nobody else is, and nobody else will be.** _

I made the elevator to try and get home.

_**Why did you want to come home?** _

What do you know about Homeworld's history?

_**Nothing! I haven't been reading any illicit books or anything on the subject!** _

...A lot?

_**I have an encyclopedic knowledge of it.** _

Yeah, that's sort of what I guessed. I was created in 5710 ADA.

_**You mean the Age of Enlightened Prosperity?** _

Yeah. That. Back when...Wait. You said you had meepmorps on Homeworld, under some different name. Why didn't Peridot tell me? I assumed that they were an Earth thing.

_**They were always there. It's just that Era 2 Peridots kind of sort of were banned from knowing about them, and some of the more...traditionalist provinces had similar policies.** _

...What's Homeworld outside of Limestone like?

_**...Corrupt, authoritarian, repressive, bureaucratic...You're not missing much.** _

All I saw was the military after I was freed from the mirror.

_**So you saw an efficient war machine?** _

Yeah.

_**Pffffft. That's where most of the government funds go. If the autocratic government coordinated with itself better, or had better leadership, the life energy shortage probably wouldn't exist, for one. Brutality and incompetence. That's Homeworld outside of Limestone.** _

So Halite likes Homeworld because she's incompetent?

_**She's incompetent and Homeworld's mostly incompetent, except for the worst parts of it, but that's more coincidence than anything else.** _

I still don't trust her.

_**Do you trust anyone?** _

A few people.

_**Shouldn't we get back to talking about the water elevator?** _

Fine. It was...in a way it was my first meepmorp. This massive thing full of life, order, and energy. I made it without thinking, I just sort of hoped I'd get to go home. I guess I'd forgotten how worthless home was. Then I thought that home was this ruthless, lifeless war machine. Now? I don't know whether to feel pity, fear, or disgust.

_**If she changes her mind about Earth, I'll try to keep in touch. [Lapis gives a very small nod and walks away. I search for Halite]** _

 

 


	17. Peak Mana

Okay, so apparently I can't fill four chapters of this book with interview content.  _Well, it was only one source and it didn't cover much._ Max Brooks filled an entire book with it and I only get three pages?  _Max Brooks?_  This human who wrote a book about walking human corpses that eat humans. The entire book was just interviews with people, and I'm not even sure if those people existed! 

_They talked about walking corpses eating people. As far as I'm aware, those aren't real._

Good point. His entire book was full of fake sources! Uncited fake sources [1]! Also, what kind of legitimate history book uses the title "World War Z"? If you're going to sell us on the idea that there was this apocalyptic zombie war, Brooks, get a better title!  _Have you considered that "World War Z" might be merely a fiction novel that uses the idea of an interview/scholarly structure as a framing device?_

No. Because that would be dumb. Shut up. Anyway, let's talk about life energy. Or mana. So, have you ever wondered what lets Gems move around and such? We aren't constantly breaking the law of conservation of energy. No, the Eridanus perfected the Universal Energy Drive (or "gem", if you're not a moron), a system which allows any kind of energy to be converted with some inefficiency into forms of energy [2]. Those forms of energy are mainly heat energy, radiant energy, and kinetic energy [3]. Sure, we could probably do something with that, but the Eridanus are all dead and we sort of only know how to recreate the general model of gems that they created.

Come on? They couldn't have left us with a scientist caste, or at least a manual or something?

Anyway, energy goes into a Gem, with the peak of energy usage coming from the formation of a Gem in a Kindergarten. The problem is that that energy sort of...needs to come from an organic source. I'm not sure why. Nobody knows. _I'm sure that a certified Kindergartener would know._ Do you think I'm going to go and just find a Peridot to ask? What a great idea! I'm sure I wouldn't get a twenty-minute long insulting and haughty rant from a worthless green clod too busy making Gems to have a life or anything!

So, basically, nobody knows why we need organic energy specifically. I suspect it has something to do with sugar. Similarly, nobody knows why 84% of the available organic life energy on the Homeworld and 70% of colonial life energy is already expended, leaving deserts where there once were continents and desolate rocks that once held thriving ecosystems [4]. 

_Well, I know that nobody knows why, but my personal hypotheses are that it was related to the over-production of soldiers during and after the Great Musical Revolts, which mostly served as a symbol for the people that something like that wouldn't have happened again, and as an implicit threat on the part of the Diamonds, that it was related to the Undying Gem Species Edict (which struck down the idea of simply barring further Gem creation in order to exist as what we were eternally), and that the autocracy's lack of a need for more efficient or alternative methods of developing Kindergarten technology led mostly to stagnation after the great breakthroughs of the 6000s [4]._

It can't be related to that. It's Rose Quartz's fault. All of it. Think about it. _It really wasn't._ I don't know how it was, but Rose Quartz somehow being behind Peak Mana makes more sense than some unrelated series of decisions and governmental apathy doing it. After all, who do you trust more not to mess up our planet? Rose Quartz or Yellow Diamond?

_Yellow Diamond._

Exactly. So Rose did it.

 

**Works Cited:**

1. Brooks, Max. _World War Z._ Broadway Paperbacks, 2007.

2\. "How Does Your Gem Work?" last modified 9129 ADA.

3\. Redding, Ellis, _Science: An Illustrated Adventure_ (New York: Scholastic Publishing)

 ~~4\. Peridot Facet-9P1L Cut-3W3, _Seriously, Our Society Is Unsustainable, Please Listen to Me!_  (Gamma One: Self-Published) ~~ We can't use this source. It's banned. Great. It was such a good source, too, if weirdly biased.


	18. The Peridot

So. I didn't really have a cool title for the Peridot. Not that she deserves one. She isn't really seen as any legendary figure or whatever, and, you know, I'm too cool to call worthless peridots by some name like the "Defector Peridot", "Cosmic Glitch (Being that she's a broken peridot and her continued existence is a mystery to me on a cosmic level)", or the "Green Wonder". 

Not that she's wondrous.

She really isn't. So, remember how a few chapters back we had no idea what happened to Jasper? Well...We know now! I know, right? I swear to Yellow Diamond, this historian, Amethyst, is both oddly knowledgeable about the secret affairs of the Crystal Gems and really easily bribed with Earth food and some kind of fizzy liquid that's sold in cans.

I assume that it's liquid strontium-90.  _Are you sure that that's a real thing?_ I mean, it has to be, right?  _Why?_ Doesn't it just sound legitimate? Anyway, the Peridot. So, I couldn't actually talk to the Peridot [1].

Apparently, though, the Amethyst who knew Lapis Lazuli also happened to know the Peridot, so I can use her as a primary source. Look at that, clods! I have  **primary** sources now! Well, ever since the Lapis interview, but still.

I'm not even just rehashing things from books. I'm doing my own legitimate scholarship. Anyway-anyway, the Peridot. So, apparently she was a peridot [2]. More meaningfully, she was a Kindergartener (So you just know she's insufferable) who was sent to Earth, baby-sat by Jasper, as mentioned previously in the chapter on the only Quartz ever to exist, to go and fix the Homeworld Warp on Earth, monitor some "Weird mutant Gem things [3]", and to check on some kind of  _Don't talk about that!_ What?  _It's probably a bad idea to mention that Yellow Diamond set that up in a book intended to be read by Homeworld Gems._

Well, I was getting to that. The Amethyst was wrong. There's no such thing as the Cluster.  _Still. Don't talk about it._

Think about it. The Cluster was, supposedly a ton of gems force-fused together under part of a continent, right [3]? Well. Here's the thing. Fusion is stealing, and you can only steal from one person at a time. Otherwise, your arms'll get tired. So, no Cluster, so it's cool to talk about a ridiculous atrocity that Yellow Diamond would never  do if it doesn't even make logical sense, right?

Anyway, Peridot.  _Don't you mean "The Peridot"?_ No. I just realized that "the Peridot" sounds like some kind of title, and I'm not going to bow down to a tiny little Kindergarten-lackey nerd Gem. So Peridot. She ended up stranded on Earth when the Jasper mission went awry, probably due to Jasper doing something impulsi-  _Should you be criticizing Jasper?_

I have a whole chapter criticizing Jasper. I think she's okay. 

_Fine._

So, the mission probably failed due to Jasper doing something impulsive and Peridot being a useless nerd or something, and then Peridot got stranded on Earth, went crazy "Not like 'you' crazy. More like death lasers crazy. Get what I'm sayin' [3]?" Personally, I choose to interpret "'you' crazy" as being just Amethyst talking about my crazy awesome talents as a writer and historian.

_My lovely, intelligent, and competent owner, Halite, I think she considers you to be delusional and sort of...odd._

Nah. Can't imagine why anyone would think that.

_You are very lucid._

Exactly. So anyway, Peridot loses it for a while, is captured, and develops Sandstone Syndrome, in which a captive falls in love with their captor.  _Love?_ Her and Lapis Lazuli live alone in an isolated barn. What do you think they do all day, make weird sculptures?

_By the stars._

 

**Works Cited:**

1. Halite Face-9E1E Cut-9R3, Imaginary Interview with the Peridot (Beta One: Unpublished) 

2. Halite Facet 9E1E Cut 9R3, Basic Logic, _A Thing I Have,_ (Beta One: Slag You It’s Obvious, 9130 ADA/2016 BCE)

3. Halite Face-9E1E Cut-9R3, Non-Imaginary Interview with the ~~Defective~~ Amethyst (Beach City: Unpublished) 


	19. Conclusion/Afterword

Okay, so, I don't really believe in conclusions. I think that they're a waste of time recounting dirt that's already happened when it would be far more important to just reread the book or whatever. Obviously. Conclusions are for hacks. That's why most of the writers on Homeworld, especially most Halites, are hacks [1]. So, I'm instead going to offer an AFTERWORD.

What makes an afterword different from a conclusion is that basically I can put anything I want here. I could just write "PERIDOTISACLODPERIDOTISACLODPERIDOTISACLOD" over and over until I reach 50,000 words. I mean, that would technically make this book a novel. Maybe I should do that.  _And alienate your readers._ Slag it. I won't. Even though she totally is. Anyway, here's what I'm gonna do. I've gone and interviewed a lot of different people, and got their opinions on this very story.

How is this relevant?

I need to prove to you all that this had a point, and I'm not "summarizing the current situation" or anything to do it.  _The current situation is a standoff between the Crystal Gems and Homeworld in which the Crystal Gems are on the defensive after the disappearance of Jasper and the turning of Peridot. It is up to Homeworld to make the first move._

See. Look how pointless that was. Anyway:

**Amethyst: "Eh, I dunno. It was like, 40% accurate? Maybe? Liked my chapter, though [2]."**

**The Mendacious One: "I can't believe this is what I have to read in prison. I'd almost rather be executed [3]."**

**Garnet: "No comment [4]".**

**The Renegade Pearl: "I just skimmed this while the rest were eating, and it's all wrong! All of it! It's actually impressive how inaccurate and ridiculous this is [5]!"**

**Some Child Human With a Star Shirt: "Are you okay? It seems like there's kinda a lot going on here [6]."**

**Some Other, Thinner Human With a Sword: "Maybe we should just go. She's yelling at that short pearl [7]."**

**Yellow Diamond: "This is the greatest work of scholarship I have ever seen [8]."**

**Champagne Pearl: "No comment [9]."**

**Halite: "So, basically...I win history. I won history! I am QUEEN OF HISTORY! HISTORY IS MINE! ALL MINE! MWAHAHAHAHA! [10]**

So anyway, have a nice day everyone, and BOW BEFORE YOUR HISTORY OVERLORD!

 

**Works Cited:**

  1. Halite Facet-9E1E Cut-9R3, Snake People, Homeworld, and Earth: A History (Beta One: Self-Published)
  2. Halite Facet-9E1E Cut 9R3, Guys, I'm Totally Interviewing That Cute Historian Amethyst In Person! Why Isn't She Kissing Me? (Beach City: Self-Published)
  3. Halite Facet-9E1E Cut 9R3, Interview With Mendy! In Person! In Her Cell! What a Bitch! (CLASSIFIED)
  4.  Halite Facet-9E1E Cut 9R3, Interview With Garnet, our Glorious Goddess and Creator (Beach City: Self-Published)
  5.  Halite Facet-9E1E Cut 9R3, Interview With That Other Pearl (Beach City: Self-Published)
  6.  Halite Facet-9E1E Cut 9R3, Don't Give Me Sympathy, Steven! I'm MADE of Self-Esteem and My Life's Great! (Beach City: Self-Published)
  7.  Halite Facet-9E1E Cut 9R3, Interview With the Renegade Pearl's Apprentice (Beach City: Self-Published)  _You did a lot of interviews for this one chapter._ I'm thorough.
  8. Not actually cited.
  9. She's with me all the time. She said that. Trust me. It's not even complimentary or anything. Clod.
  10. I think I'd know something I'd say.  _Do you need the blanket?_...Yeah.




	20. Bibliography

What? No. Look at the Works Cited bits.


End file.
